An update and FLOW

It's been a difficult month for me. Lots of sickness - by that I mean unexplained hives. I'm itching all over and don't know why. For 6 long weeks. Also, the sitter has been ill and in the hospital briefly. It makes me worry about how much longer she'll be ok to keep kids. I realised I have taken off almost a full week's worth of time this month, scattered here and there, for various doctor's appointments, or to keep my daughter while the sitter was ill. And tomorrow I am taking off to take the LCSW exam. It's a lot of pressure in some ways because failing it means doing it again in several months. But at this point I just want to get it over with. And I doubt I'll fail.

As for other aspects of life, my overriding concern is for our future. I am ready for change. Question is, what kind? The kind that involves a major life alteration (new state, new jobs, new child care, good bye to friends and family) or the kind that involves keeping most of our life the same BUT buying a house in a nearby town. The problem is that making these changes with another person (i.e. a spouse) is tricky. You have to agree about your values and goals, desires, etc. And you have to find a way to work together that encourages building momentum towards change.

An interesting article I just read (and I will very soon learn how to create links) reagrds FLOW. This excerpt describes an example of flow:

IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE SKIING DOWN A SLOPE and your full attention is focused on the movements of your body, the position of the skis, the air whistling past your face, and the snow-shrouded trees running by. There is no room in your awareness for conflicts or contradictions; you know that a distracting thought or emotion might get you buried face down in the snow. The run is so perfect that you want it to last forever.

He goes on to describe it as a "sense of effortless action they feel in moments that stand out as the best in their lives." I can say I have felt this in moments while singing or playing clarinet in the band. But also when leading a group discussion that goes well, or taking a great hike. In a sense, I also felt this way during the time in my life when I first decided to leave my home state and move 2000 miles away to the West. I knew exactly what I was doing, what I wanted, and felt confident that I would get there. I never doubted, I never questioned, I had faith that all would work out once I got there. And it did, although I was admittedly naive about some aspects of it. But I was single and childless and I made a one year commitment (to VISTA) so it was virtually risk-free as far as I could see.

Now things are much more complicated. I feel no sense of flow about this at all. One moment I am ready to pack my bags and take great risks to move with my family back to that great Western State. The next I am paralized by fear of unknowns, of hurting our family financially, emotoionally and leaving my family (with a sick father) in a dark cloud. This is the opposite of flow.

And (I know this post lacks flow, too!) I wonder if simply finding more flow in daily life wouldn't be helpful. I find I have very little time for these kinds of activities. I'd like to do more meditation/yoga, but it will take time to get good enough at it that I actually am "in the zone " and not just watching the clock. (I am a neurotic clock watcher, it's true. I am experimenting with wearing it less.)

I would be interested to know if other folks find flow regularly and how they do it. I think it's important because, as the author of the article says, "The happiness that follows flow is of our own making, and it leads to increasing complexity and growth in consciousness." I mean who doesn't want growth in consciousness?

So, audience of probably one, what do you think about flow and it's implications in our lives?

P.S. I sometimes wish my audience of one wasn't my spouse. How else am I supposed to process the inner workings of our relationship if you're reading this??

P.P.S. Another thought to discuss, how do bloggers negotiate this sticky world of privacy in an increasingly PUBLIC world of blogs, myspaces, chat rooms, etc?? Do you forfeit privacy by posting in the first place?